why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize