I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
