As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
