Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
