I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
