Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
