if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
