genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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