is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize