Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
