He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
