Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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