I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize