You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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