just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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