I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
