I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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