He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
