Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
we're so committed to being not committed
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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