im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
