What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
