He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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