My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
