i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
