im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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