Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
