she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
