you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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