they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Randomize
