my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
