yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
