i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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