I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
