I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
