Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize