my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
