They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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