These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
