I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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