He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im holly from the hills drunk
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
