dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
