Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
