so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
