I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
