Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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