i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
