For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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