My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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