I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
