He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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