Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
