wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize