the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
