just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
dude. I can hear the air.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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